Matt Mauldin

Here’s an excerpt from the local news that I had to share with you:

Fort Worth police tell NBCDFW that when the 71-year-old man saw the female deputy coming toward him he dropped the trimmer and ran into the house in the 9800 block of Watercress Drive.

The man came back outside in shorts, that were unzipped, and told the deputy he’d done yard work in the buff before and thought his yard was private enough that no one could see him.

The deputy pointed out that the problem was some privacy slats were missing from his chain-link fence and he lives across the street from a park and along a busy road.

That’s freakin hilarious.  It doesn’t stop there, though.  Here’s part of the actual police report:

Since CIT1 had the weedeater in front of him, Deputy Rowland did not observe CIT1’s genitalia; However, upon CIT1 observing Deputy Rowland he took off running toward the south door of his residence.  Upon CIT1 turning around to run Deputy Rowland observed CIT1’s buttocks.  Deputy Rowland yelled at CIT1 to stop.  However, CIT1 sat the weedeater down and ran into his home.  Deputy Rowland observed that CIT1 did not appear to lock the door as he simply opened the screen door and ran inside.  Deputy Rowland remained at the East Gate and yelled for CIT1 to come outside to speak to him.  In a few moments CIT1 exited the residence.  He had hurriedly put on a pair of tan shorts which were unzipped, revealing the fact that he was wearing no underwear.

OK, that’s awesome.  The police then had to check the man’s record to see if he was a sex offender.  It turned out negative, so the naked man received a Class C misdemeanor citation.

The Texas penal code 4201 A-10 states that a citation should be issued for exposing “his anus or genitals in a public place and (being) reckless about whether another may be present who will be offended or alarmed by his act.”

I’m still trying to find out what makes me laugh harder?  This story or the Texas “penal” code?

Popularity: 9% [?]

This hilarious clip is from tonight’s O’Reilly Factor.  Bill does “Miller Time” with Dennis Miller every week, and this time they covered (in part) Jon and Kate Plus 8.

I was only able to find the full Miller Time.  Watch the whole thing if you want, but the good part happens at 3:00 – you can skip ahead watch for about twenty seconds to have a good laugh:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!

Who’s the polonesian kid????  Miller cracks me up.

Popularity: 47% [?]

What is the deal with messianic Cheetos?  Earlier today it was reported that a Houston couple found a Cheeto that looked like a praying Jesus, but this is just the latest find in a long string of similar sightings.

May 19, 2009 – The latest Cheesus find comes from a couple near Houston, Tx.

July 30, 2008 – A woman in Dallas, Texas found this Jesus Cheeto:

July 29th, 2008 – A woman in Montana found a Cheeto she thought looked like Jesus on the cross.

March 21, 2008 – A youth minister in Houston has kept a Christ-like Cheeto in his office for a couple of years before it got out.  He even had it in a little display case in his office:

After todays Cheesus, one blogger asked why don’t Jews see things in their food.  My take on the answer: it wouldn’t be kosher.

Enough Already.  Get some Baked Lays.

What’s the big deal?  Every time something like this happens,whether it’s a Potato Chip Jesus, a holy sand dune, or any number of other religious sightings in food,the news media goes crazy.  These stories spread like wildfire across the news wires, the blogosphere, and even on primetime news.  Why?  I mean, it’s food.  I seriously doubt that Frito Lay has a secret marketing plan to get free publicity out of this stunt.  Trust me, they are not stuffing a Cheesus into every 100th bag of Cheetos.

Seriously, after a sighting of the Virgin Mary on a turtle’s belly, havent’ you had enough?

After you find a Cheesus, the real question you must ask yourself is:

What do you do with the crumbly cheesey crumbs on your fingers?

Popularity: 71% [?]

Smallville’s Clark Kent is a weeny.  He’s such a weeny that we should call the show “Weenyville”

Tonight was supposed to be the season finale.    Instead it was a weenyfest.  This episode single-handedly destroyed the entire show for me.  Just a coincident that it was titles Doomsday… or is it?  Instead of a season capping finale, this was the dumbest, most idiotic, non-exciting episode ever. Bottom line: Clark is a weeny.

Important: From here on out there are spoilers, but the show has taken such a downturn this season that they can hardly be called spoilers.

Predictable Plot

Every freakin episode has the same story:

• some baddie either puts either the entire world or one of Clark’s friends (swap them out) in danger.
• Clark tried to save them but gets trapped by kryptonite.
• Some wuss saves Clark
• Clark pulls off some 8-year-old-in-superman-pajamas spoof and the episode ends to some dumb song (but you can buy the CD on the CW.com)

Clark (a.k.a. weeny-boy – see right) wrestles with the fact that Doomsday has a human side (Davis), and humans are all good.  Of course he’s come up against hundreds of human baddies over the past eight seasons, but whatever. Clark has been whining forever that he can save Davis and proves once again the depths of his weenitude.

Clark Rendered Inept… Again

So Green Lantern and his super-turd friends shoot Clark with a Krypto-dart.  Of course! Predictable and boring.

This time it’s Jimmy Olsen that saves him and learns that Clark is the Red-Blue-Blur.  What does that mean? Time to die, Jimmy!  Yep, Jimmy dies.  Stupid.  Even dumber, at his funeral Chloe walks up to a crying kid and says “You must be Jimmy’s younger brother.”

Time out… wasn’t she married to Jimmy?  YES. And you are telling me that she never met his family?  Stupid.  Chloe hands the kid a camera and tells him he may follow in the dead Jimmy’s footsteps.  Is that foreshadowing???

And this kid is supposed to be the Jimmy Olsen in the movies.  How does that work?  Were his parents dumb enough to name him Jimmy, too?  Or does this 8 year old kid take his older brother’s name to honor him now that he’s dead?

Crappy Ending. I’ll Skip Next Season

Clark ends the show by telling Chloe it is his human side, his emotions, that cause the problems.  Then he says goodbye and walks out.

I’ve never been this disgusted with a TV show.  It’s probably why I don’t watch much TV.  The only good outcome is that I’ll have less TV to watch in the fall.

Popularity: 36% [?]

I’m starting a new section called Random News.  Basically it will be a collection of news stories that catch my interest in some way.  I want to start off with a bang, so here’s the first one.

This story is hilarious.  I read the store titled Rotten office fridge cleanup sends 7 to hospital on the AP Press earlier today and had to share it with you.

Rotten office fridge cleanup sends 7 to hospital

SAN JOSE, Calif. (AP) — An office worker cleaning a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made many others ill.

Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose on Tuesday after the fumes led someone to call 911. A hazmat team was called in.

What crews found was an unplugged refrigerator crammed with moldy food.

Authorities say an enterprising office worker had decided to clean it out, placing the food in a conference room while using two cleaning chemicals to scrub down the mess.

The mixture of old lunches and disinfectant caused 28 people to need treatment for vomiting and nausea.

Authorities say the worker who cleaned the fridge didn’t need treatment — she can’t smell because of allergies.

Copyright © 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

I’m still laughing at this.  In college my roommates and I left a cooler with some beer and meat outside for a little too long, and after a week it made us gag.  What did we do? Yep, we dumped more stuff in there.  Old milk, cheese, sausage, a dead squirril we found in the backyard… whatever.  And for an entire summer it sat in the back cooking in the 100 degree heat of West Texas.  Early during the fall semester, we brought the cooler to one o the big classrooms and opened it up.  It was like a wave of nausea, and you could see it slowly roll up the room, row by row, until every person was out.

Too bad it wasn’t spring semester, when allergy season hits, because some of the kids in that room could have stayed.

Popularity: 24% [?]