Minivan drivers are the worst drivers in the world! It doesn’t matter who you are – if you are driving a minivan, you currently hold the title of Worst Driver in the World. Who is to blame? You and your minivan. Why? Because minivans are evil!
Proof: Minivans are evil.
I recently uncovered this photo of a minivan soon after birth. The car companies would like you to believe that these evil vehicles come off the assembly line like other cars, but don’t be fooled. This photo is undeniable proof that minivans are born and sent to the dealership straight from the gates of hell.
For practical reasons, the demon horns are removed from each minivan soon after birth and before being shipped to the dealers.
Minivans make the driver (bad).
How can I say that minivans are evil? Because there’s no rhyme or reason to the profile of a minivan driver, yet they all suck. “Minivan driver ineptitude” transcends age, race, ethnicity, gender, past driving record, or anything else you can possible think of to categorize the actual person behind the wheel. It’s not them, the demon minivan takes over the moment the ignition is turned on.
The only common theme among minivan drivers is this: they chose to drive a minivan!
Even I am not immune. A couple of summers back, the family and I went to South Padre Island. We flew into Harlingen and rented a minivan to make the hour drive to the Texas coast. During that trip, I can honestly say that the honking I received over that 5-day period easily tripled all of the other honking I have ever received in over 15 years of driving. What was different? Just the minivan.
It’s always a Minivan!
Every time I am driving peacefully down the road – sometimes even enjoying my drive – here comes a minivan to ruin my driving experience. Have you noticed that minivans are always doing something to get in your way?
- It’s always a minivan on one of your bumpers: either the front one because they are driving too slow, or the back one because they can’t stop tailgaiting you!
- When you come up to an intersection and want to turn right on red, there’s always a minivan stopped in front of you waiting to go straight, blocking your way!
- It’s always a minivan that turns left from a parking lot onto a busy street, then uses the left-hand turn lane to drive and squeeze in in front of you.
- It’s always a minivan that cuts you off on the highway, keeps you from getting to your exit or blocks you from getting on the highway
- It’s always a minivan that will try to pass you on the right lane of the interstate (and it’s so fun to speed up just a little and box them in behind some slow semi trailer, he he).
- It’s always a minivan that takes their sweet time getting into and out of parking spots.
- Minivans always squeeze into the tight parking spots because those sliding doors don’t require any room to open. But when you get out of the store or restaurant, you have to compress your entire torso just to get back into your own car.
- Freakin minivans.
Solution to the Minivan Problem – DAM (Driving A Minivan) Law
I suggest that we pass the “Driving A Minivan” law, or DAM for short. Basically, if you are caught driving a minivan for any reason,you can be subject to the following penalties:
- late dropping your kids off for soccer practice, gymnastics, or day care.
- search and seizure of all Starbucks coffee or diet sodas, slimfast candy bars, and ziploc bags of cheerios.
- sever thrashing with a bamboo cane.
- feelings of general disgust and loathing sent in the drivers general direction.
And passing the DAM law will give all us non-minivan drivers an opportunity to say, “Follow the DAM law and get off the damn road!”
Popularity: 38% [?]
